My Heart's Giving Birth!

This Ain't for Sissies...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 06:06:00 +0000

I wrote a long post and then decided to delete it...here's the abridged version...

my emotions are screwy! Really screwy!

I am still hungry....really hungry

umm...wondering if there will be a need for the bowel prep after the day I have had.

I am kind of weak and tired, but having trouble sleeping.

I need prayer to get through these 2 days of school and get everything together for the 8 days I will be out.

Writing sub plans ain't for sissies either!

I am blessed with friends and family who are really supporting me - not just in words, but in actions...blessed.

Daggone it...crying again...

Like I said...this ain't for sissies!

I'm so hungry, I could eat a...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 04:01:00 +0000

...just about anything! 5 days down....5 to go!

Doing these days of liquid diet has really made me think of the role food plays in my life. I should eat to live...not live to eat. But that's what I've done my whole life - live to eat. During one meal, I am planning the next. Also, I am just so blessed with abundance! As hungry as I have felt these past few days...I have food...I have the ability to buy what I need - even what I want. I am hungry because of a plan to work towards something...not because I have no food. I am thankful for these days that remind me of how very much I have.

Now...all that thinking and thankfulness did not take away the fact that today was hard. I am tired and have little energy...my body feels a bit weak. There is a fuzzy line between body and mind...what affects the mind, can affect the body and vice versa. Being on this diet has been playing with my mind a bit...I am more emotional...more anxious...more irritable. I feel like my emotions are just barely under the surface and could explode at any given time. I need some extra prayers to get me through these next 5 days.

Having a stressfull job and a very high maintenance class has not made this easier...but I am thankful that it keeps me so busy that I don't have a lot of time to think about being hungry! Today was especiallly lovely at school - i had 2 students suspended for three days for fighting by 9:00 and another required to do work around the school during his play time due to fighting before 11:00. I know it's Christmas and close to a full moon and the forecast was calling for snow, but really??? It was nuts today! I looked at our curriculum specialist and just shook my head...then she was kind enough to do some work with my class for a few minutes so I could get my head cleared! It was a rough one!

But again...those children are not in my class or my life by mistake. God has placed them there...and not jsut for me to help them, but for them to help me. when I am able to step back and look at the situation, I see very clearly that God is using them to help me be a more patient and loving person. I am learning to not just look at what a person does and get angry, but realize that there's so much more under the surface that these kids are dealing with each day. I am thankful that GOd has entrusted them to me...and even though I fail miserably at times, we are working and learning together through the year.

Apparently, this diet is also making me sappy and long winded...think I will go to bed now!

Blessings, my friends! Thanks for your encouragement through these days! You are fabulous!

Three down...You've got to be kidding me!?!?!?

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 03:26:00 +0000

Today was the hardest day so far. I am grumpy, emotional, and tired and the kids at school have full moon/Christmas-itis. If you don't know, that's not a good combination.

Today the cafeteria was serving my favorite lunch - brunch for lunch: gravy, biscuits, eggs, sausage, tator tots, and fried apples. And as if that weren't enough, the PTA was kind enough to have an Italian luncheon for the teachers. What a day! I am very thankful that the food was in the library which is in a separate building so I didn't have to smell it all day! That helped! During lunch, I went to get a very large unsweet tea - then I sipped on chicken broth. No matter how I tried, the broth just didn't taste like lasagna and garlic bread!

I can't really complain though - this is a choice I've made and this is part of the process, so I have to just suck it up and get over it. *sniff, sniff*

My friend Amy asked a question that I thought I would answer here. She wondered why I chose the bypass over the lap-band. There are actually a few reasons...

1. The weight loss with the band is slower. Which can be a good thing...but I am not very patient!
2. The band is a foreign object in your body that your body may reject. Also, sometimes it slips requiring additional surgery. It can also get scar tissue growing around it which can cause issues.
3. With the band, there is no real change to your stomach and it is possible to continue to eat the same things if you eat slowly. You can eat mini snickers all day long...
4. Men often do better with the band than women because they tend to sit and eat MEALS...women are more grazers (that would be me!) Grazers don't do well with the band because if you eat slowly enough...you can eat anything. I need the checks and balances of the bypass which will cause me to feel sick if I make yucky choices or eat too much.
5. In talking with my doctor about my eating habits and lifestyle, he suggested the bypass would give me better success...and I agreed!

I am sure I could make a list as long or longer about why I should have chosen the band...or why I shouldn't do either...but for what it's worth, I made my choice and I feel very peaceful and super excited. (we won't talk about the grumpies right now!)

Seven days to go...today I almost drooled when I saw a pack of saltines...gonna be a long 7 days! I could use all the prayers you could send up!

Day Dream Believer...but not the homecoming queen

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:49:00 +0000

Remember that Monkees song? It was one of my favorites growing up and I've sung it in my head since Jason and Tiffany asked me to write about a dream for this blog. It has been a challenge to write this post...not because I don't have dreams, but because I have so many dreams - from learning to play the piano to being a Momma. As I thought about it though, I decided to write about the dream that is coming true...well, at least it's beginning to take shape.

My dream is to run a 5K.

I've never been a runner...well, not since I was like in 6th grade, but I am determined to run the Turket Trot next Thanksgiving. I may look like a turkey waddling along, but I will do it! let me tell you why...

My weight has been an issue my entire life - not just an issue, but a struggle. I went on my first diet in 4th grade...and I've been on the yo-yo ever since. That's about to change. In October of 2008, I decided to look into having gastric bypass surgery. It's been quite a bumpy ride with insurance, on December 10, my life will change with this surgery. I have some health issues that are weight related and it is my prayer that I will not only survive the surgery, but thrive in the new life it will offer. Over the next year, I anticipate losing about 90 pounds. During this time, I am also planning on beginning - and really sticking to - an exercise plan. I am going to totally turn my life around and work to live a healthier life!

Is there a reason, I am so determined to make this dream a reality? Yep...and it's related to another dream... the dream of becoming a momma! I am in the process of adopting a baby girl from China...I've been working on this dream for about 4 years...and praying it comes true very soon! Oh...and the surgery will come in so handy with having to travel to China...I won't need to eat as much of the questionable food and I will fit in the airplane seat! BONUS!

One Down...Nine to go...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 04:29:00 +0000

I made it through day one! I know that days 1-3 will be the most difficult. After that, your stomach kind of gets used to the lack of food. It was a bumpy start though. I got to school and realized that although I had brought some yogurt for snacks, I had forgotten the protein shake that was supposed to energize me and get me through the morning! And on top of that, my kids earned a reward and chose to eat in the room today so my room smelled so yummy! (Yes, cafeteria food often smells better than it tastes.) So, at my planning time, I went to the store and got some packets of no sugar added instant breakfast and half a gallon of milk. That got me through the afternoon.

While I was driving home, all I could think about was making a cup of chicken bouillon. While I waited for that to heat up, I ate some cottage cheese. I never thought cottage cheese could taste so incredibly good!

Tonight, I had to return a movie and I wanted a tea. Max was with me and I caved and got him a burger. I can honestly say that he got it all...I didn't even taste a morsel of it!

So I made it through day one...now I am fasting - HA! for my bloodwork in the morning. At least it's not hard to fast when there's not much you can eat anyway! I have to be at the hospital (40 minutes away) at 8:00 in the morning for all my pre-surgery blood work and xrays. It might behoove me to get to bed!

Thanks for praying me through the day!

The Beginning of the New Beginning...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:44:00 +0000

Tomorrow is the starting point. I will begin my liquid diet in preparation for surgery. This weekend, I have treated myself to a few more favorites that I know I will not be eating for some time. On Saturday, my Mom and I went to Five Guys - if you've eaten there, you know why I felt that was a necessary place to eat! Their burgers and fries are incredibly delicious! Then tonight, Sydney and Matthew went with me to Outback. It wasn't necessarily that I had to have steak as much as it was that I needed A1 sauce! ;)

Also, this afternoon, I made my favorite cake - yellow cake with chocolate icing. I always have that for my birthday - I don't want a store bought cake or even a "from scratch" cake - I want the mix and the canned frosting! I shared the cake, but kept some for myself. I know that I won't be ready for the sugar and sweetness of cake by the time my birthday comes in March. At some point, I may be able to handle small bites of sweets, but it will be a while...and I am ok with that.

Sure, there's a part of me that's a little sad to know that these foods I love, I will not be able to tolerate, but it's the price I am ready and willing to pay for a healthier (and skinnier) life! I just don't have the willpower to do it all on my own...the surgery will help me get over those humps!

So what CAN I eat for the next 10 days...I will tell you just in case you want to support me by doing the same diet! * wink, wink*

2 cups or less daily of 100% juice, Gatorade, or Powerade
3 or less Regular Jello, popsicles, or no sugar added fudgesicles
3 servings or less skim milk, light yogurt, cottage cheese
1-2 low-carb, low-sugar protein shakes

And I can have all I want of these things...
broth - any flavor
sugar free drinks
sugar free popsicles
sugar free Jello

YUM!! Wonder how many pounds I will lose on this - even before surgery!

hang on, folks! We are going for a ride!

I confess...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:19:00 +0000

I am totally addicted to caffeine. In my opinion, any tough spot in life - or celebration - can be made better with a diet coke - especially one from McD's! After surgery, I will not be able to have carbonation or caffeine - at least for a while. So, I decided to go ahead and start weaning myself. I had given up carbonation a few months ago as I was losing weight. That wasn't nearly as hard as giving up caffeine. I am struggling. I didn't have any caffeine until this evening. On top of that, I have a head cold/sinus congestion. A caffeine withdraw headache and a sinus headache combo is not fun.

The reason for not having carbonation is that the air bubbles cause even more of a sensation of fullness, causing me to not want to eat. I will have trouble eating enough asit is...also, they lead to bloat, and are just generally not a good thing for my new tiny stomach. The reason for cutting down on caffeine is that caffeine is a diuretic. Because I will be taking in so much less liquid to begin with, there is danger of becoming dehydrated. That's not a good thing for anyone...but it poses even more issues for someone with a tiny pouch for a stomach. These are the issues that I have chosen to deal with in order to end up healthier on the other side!

My plan for tomorrow is to have a little caffeine in the morning...then lots of water...and then maybe a little tea tomorrow evening.

Beginning Monday, I will be on a liquid diet...I want to have the caffeine thing kind of kicked by then. I can't imagine the grumps that could come from hunger and caffeine withdraw at the same time.

Any words of wisdom on kicking caffeine would be appreciated!

Tugging

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:43:00 +0000

You all know that adoption is close to my heart. I read this post on a friend's blog tonight and my heart is just heavy. Apparently, Canada is refusing to grant visa's to orphans in several countries...families stuck in such a difficult place...having a child, but not being able to bring them home. What is this world coming to that caring for an orphan - growing a family - would be so full of beaurocratic junk?!?! My heart is heavy...not just for these families...not just with fears for my adoption process, but for what this means to our nation - our world! Why are babies having to live without families to care for them while governments spin this frightening web of control?!?!?

So please, join me in praying for the cause of the orphan...for those without a voice. Pray with me for the families caught in this frightening, lonely, gut-wrenching web...and pray that not only would they be released, but the web would be detroyed!

Also, in talking more to my agency about my desire to adopt Faith, I have learned that there is actually a rule that singles cannot transfer agencies for a specific waiting child. Married couples, however, can transfer...that doesn't make sense to me, but somehow it has given me peace about the situation that I did not feel before. Then tonight, I read this quote on another blog that just ministered to my very soul!

The quote comes from the book "The Strength of Mercy" by Jan Beazely. This is what she heard God say to her when an adoption for a specific child fell through:

"I showed you one to give you another. Trust me.
You don't have time to grieve over this.
If you do, you'll miss the child I have for you.
I promise in the end you will see and understand."

When I began to realize that I was not going to be able to adopt Faith...I cannot describe the hurt. I felt as if a part of me had died. I know, I had only seen her face for a few days...she wasn't even mine...but I loved her. I loved her. I imagine that must be a bit of what it emotionally feels like to have a miscarriage. Some may think that sounds extreme, but it's the best way I can think of to describe it...it was a miscarriage that occured in my heart, not my uterus. The quote was just another reminder that God IS faithful. HE IS!

So...keep praying my friends...God is at work. His heart is for the orphan. I pray that we may be able to break through some of the beaurocratic junk that makes it so difficult for families to adopt.

The Perfect Day

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 04:54:00 +0000

Today was perfect.

My friends Sydney, Tracy, and I went to Asheville for the day.

The main reason we went was for PF Changs...my favorite restaurant.

Little did I know the many favorites the day would hold.

After lunch we went downtown to walk around.

Sydney wanted to go to this place and I had to agree that it was well worth it! It's now another favorite!

I came out with a box of truffles, a bag of chocolate covered pretzels, and a peanut butter swirl.

Then...I mean...I was pretty happy already, but there was even more in store. Sydney had heard of a fantastic shoe store...and I was game. I do love shoes. So we went...

To TOPS...cause we deserve a shoe store like that!

I am pretty certain that Heaven will look a little bit like that store!

There were more shoes....more shoes than I could count!

AND they were 20% off!

All three of us called our moms to ask if we could buy a Christmas present! I tried on more than my share...so many that I felt sorry for our little salesman...and I gave him one of my truffles. I hope he knows what a sacrifice that was! We all left with new shoes...myself with THREE pair!

I am funny about shoes. I am on my feet all day long. It is super important to me to be comfortable...so I am not against spending money on shoes that are well made, comfortable, and healthy for my feet and back. I can't wait for Christmas!

So...

Lunch at PF Changs....$50

Chocolate at Chocolate Fetish...$23

Three pair of shoes from TOPS...$250

A wonderful day with dear friends...PRICELESS!

Thanks to Matt for sharing his wife with me today...

This picture was taken BEFORE Syd told him how much she spent! : )

Just kidding...aren't they a cute couple!?!?!

The Skinny on the Skinny

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:45:00 +0000

So now I have a date.

Every time I say that I laugh a little to myself cause I am as excited about this "date" as I would be with a "date" of the male, romantic variety.

My surgery will be Thursday, December 10 at 8:00. I will begin a liquid diet on November 30 or December 1. It's supposed to be 10 days...but does that count surgery day? Who knows....I am betting they will let me know. yes, liquid for 10 days. I am guessing that no one will want to be around me during that time! :) Did I mention that I will be doing liquids for 10 days? Can you say - HUNGRY?!?!?!? Apparently, this depletes your glycogen stores and shrinks your liver making it easier for the surgeon to get to the part of the stomach that they use to create the pouch and bypass.

So for the next 10 days, I will be having some of the things I love the most. It's not that I will NEVER have these things again. it's not the end of my days of enjoying eating...but it is the beginning of a lifestyle change. This weekend, my friend Sydney and I are going to PF Chang's...one of my most favorites! I am guessing we may do a bit of shopping as well. I mean...we do have to drive over an hour to get to the restaurant...may as well make the most of it!

The Skinny

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:21:00 +0000

Look at these cute finds from the weekend! I can't wait to wear them! I've looked at these overalls for a long time, but never bought them. This weekend, they were on sale - 40% off. I know they may not be trendy...but I love them and I can't wait until spring to wear them!

Isn't this jacket beautiful? Also 40% off! Can't wait to wear them!

But there's something that has to happen first. I need to lose nearly half of myself! I am preparing for gastric bypass surgery. I started the process about a year ago and finally got insurance approval last week. It's been quite a testy ride - which sadly seems to be my norm! My surgery will be in December sometime. I am hoping to get an actual date this week sometime. I know it's got plenty of risks, but for me and my situation, the good outweighs the bad. I have one of the best surgery teams in the region with a fantastic record and lots of support from friends - some of whom have been through the surgery themselves - and family. Please keep me in your prayers as surgery gets closer. I will keep you posted!

I knew it was coming...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 06:50:00 +0000

It hit and I missed it. It's been over 1,000 days since I was logged in for Emma's adoption. And that's just since LOG IN...that doesn't count the 5 months before that of paperwork and waiting. Nor does it count the year prior to that that I was waiting on a single's spot with my agency...

Somedays I lose sight of what I am waiting for...this week has been one of those at times. I've emailed the agency that is supposed to get Faith's referral. The lady who responded was so cold...she had no compassion for the desperateness of my plea...no heart for the time I've waited...not even ears for my story. I just sat at my computer and cried. Sometimes I just look at that little sweet face...and it still takes my breath away...

How many more days? How many more posts about waiting? How many more months will I add to my count? I'm at nearly 34 now...it just feels hopeless. But more than that I feel anger...anger because I know there are babies who need homes and families, but yet they are laying in an orphanage - sometimes with very little care. I am becoming more and more convinced that this is all a plot...a ploy to "rid" the country of it's children with special needs. Please don't misunderstand me...I am not saying that these children are not of value...they certainly are, but I think China may see them as more of a burden to their future. And slowing the wait down is certainly raising awareness of and frequency of special needs adoptions.

Just my thoughts...for what they are worth...

Because I know you will love this too!

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:45:00 +0000

When I was working on my Masters degree, I lived in what we called "married student housing"...'cept I wasn't married. I believe it has since evolved in to "non-traditional student housing." Anyway, for part of the time, I had a roomie.

This is her - my former roomie - with her sweet family!

We had classes together and were even at the same school for our internship. I knew then that she was fabulously creative, but seriously...I had no idea! Most of the time when I comment on her blog, I jokingly say that she made me throw up just a little bit! She is totally...I mean totally unbelievable...in so many ways. She is a super dear friend...one of those that even when you don't talk for months or even years, you can just pick right up! Her model to me as a wife and a momma...phenomenal! And her creative expertise...totally sickning...and I say that with much love and respect! :)

Her blog, Happy Day, is one of my very favorites cause her ideas are super simple...but the effect is HUGE! Check out what she did with a seemingly "useless" nook in her house...brilliant, I tell you! BRILLANT!!!

Love you, tiff! I feel like breaking into an 80's Chicago ballad..."you're the inspiration!" :)

By the way...It was I who stole HER cute blog background! She's got good taste...I couldn't resist!

Faith

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 07:03:00 +0000

Nearly three weeks ago, I saw this precious face for the very first time. Immediately, my heart fell in love. I was drawn to her like a magnet - couldn't get her off my mind. My love for this girl is overwhelming...it was -and still is -my hope and prayer to adopt her. I have made several calls and prayed more prayers than I ever thought possible, but for several reasons it is unlikely that I will be able to call her "daughter." It was a difficult answer to hear, but I continue to trust that God is working in both of our lives. Maybe, just maybe, I was drawn to her - not to be her Momma, but to be one who would impact her life in a major way...from afar. If God has drawn me to her for just such a reason, that will be blessing enough.

Let me tell you more about her. Her name is Faith - and boy is she growing mine! Faith was born January 20, 2009. She has a large hole in the lower part of her heart- the medical term is VSD. This condition requires surgery. Currently, she is being cared for in a special care foster home in Beijing - Morning Star Family Home. This foster home is run by an American couple named Bill and Lynsay Lewis. They have a tremendous heart for the Lord and for the cause of the orphan. Faith was brought to them from an orphanage just a few months after birth. Though she was malnourished at first, she is gaining weight and is the light of the home! There's not a picture of her anywhere without that bright smile! It is their prayer - and mine - that she will remain in stable condition and gain a bit more weight prior to surgery. She weighs about 15 pounds now and they are hoping that she will be able to reach about 20 pounds prior to surgery. Lynsay said that it is likely that they will schedule her surgery close to the beginning of the year. It will be important for her to have this surgery before her size begins to cause difficulty on her heart. The surgery will cost about $5,000. (USD)

I began fervently praying for someone with $5,000 to come forward willing to pay for her surgery. Then, my friend Tanya made such a wise suggestion. I was feeling so sad that it seemed unlikely for me to be her Momma. Tanya suggested doing something positive...making sure that they had the money needed to provide the surgery for this baby to live. I may not be her Momma, but I sure can do my best to pull together friends, family, and strangers to give this little one what she needs!

So friends, I need your help! Very few people have $5,000 laying around, but LOTS of us have $20 or more that we could give to make a difference. I know and trust that the money you give will go directly to provide this surgery for Faith. Would you please, please, join with me in making a difference for Faith. It is my goal to raise this money - at least $5,000 by December 31, 2009.

No, I may not be her Momma - although I am still praying about that, but at least...at least I will know that I did something to make a positive impact for someone else. You can be a part of that too!

I have created a Chip in where you can donate - right here! just Click the chip in on the right hand side of the blog. Or you can go directly to Morning Star's site to make your donation via PayPal. But don't stop there...in order to make certain that it does go toward Faith's surgery, send a quick email to Bill and Lynsay indicating that you made a donation for Faith. Or, if you want to send a check or give me cash, you are welcome to do that...just email me maxandemma@btes.tv and I will add it all in! I can't wait to see what we can raise - together - for Faith. Any extra raised will also go to help babies at Morning Star!

Praying in FAITH that together we will raise this money!

A blob of infection

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:48:00 +0000

Being a school teacher has allowed me to build up a freakishly strong immune system. Earlier this year when more than half of my class was out with H1N1, I didn't even have a sniffle. But, yesterday my voice started getting a little scratchy and my chest a little burny...this morning I woke up with no voice at all. It was too late to call a sub so I decided to trudge on through...I didn't feel sick - just sounded horrible.

As the kids came in and I told them what to do for morning work, they were so funny! They were even whispering to each other and to me! They were fabulous today and I am so thankful. Yesterday was a really rough day so it was a very welcome change - especially in light of the lack of a voice.

I decided to go to the doctor after school and I am glad I did...could have ended up worse as I have become a blob of infection. My ears, sinuses, throat and chest are all full of infection, but no strep or H1N1! Ten days of antibiotics and steroids (for the inflammation in my vocal chords that's causing the laryngitis)...and as few days of voice rest (yeah, right!)... and I should be good as new.

Tonight, I spent about 2 hours getting sub plans ready...pity the sub that has to work on a holiday! it's so much easier to just go sick most of the time...but teaching with no voice is pretty useless - no matter how well behaved the kids are. So tomorrow, I am looking forward to sleeping in and being a couch potato while watching episode after episode of Little House! Hopefully, i will have my voice back by Monday...although the last time this happened, I was voiceless for 2 solid weeks. And it's awfully hard for me to be on voice rest!

On my heart

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:39:00 +0000

It's been a wild month for me...lots of situations that have been frustrating. I feel as if I am being tried and tested over and over. Sunday at church, the communion meditation was about testing - perfect timing. The text was Genesis 22.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and saddled his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"

"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.

"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

8 Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"

"Here I am," he replied.

12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram [a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Abraham believed God and lived his life trusting Him and following him. When his faith was put to the test in this unfathomable situation, Abraham continued to show that his faith was utterly and undeniably in God. Talk about passing the test!

So now, the question for me is...when I am put to the test, do I continue to show that my faith is in my God - no matter what? Or do I fall into the pit of cursing Him for putting me to the test?

I am working to continue to show that my faith and belief in my God is only growing stronger. And I am reminded again that when I pray - boldly and in line with the will of God - that HE WILL ANSWER! Maybe not in the way that I had hoped, but He is the one who knows best...and I will rest and find my peace in that.

Lately, there's been a chorus of a Michael Card song going through my mind. I want to share this with you because it has helped in those moments when I felt like walking away...giving up...cursing God for putting me through these difficult tests. Maybe it will help you as well.

To hear with my heart,

To see with my soul,

To be guided by a hand I cannot hold,

To trust in a way that I cannot see,

That's what faith must be.

That's What Faith Must Be

By Michael Card

HYSTERICAL!

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 04:16:00 +0000

Be sure to pause the playlist music on the left! Then hit play...and prepare to laugh!

It's that time of year...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 05:44:00 +0000

Well...it's fall, y'all! I got out my fall decor last week...I love this felt picture. I love decorating for all seasons, but I must admit that behind the "given" of Christmas decorating, fall is my favorite! Once it hits though...so does the Christmas spirit! I am one of the crazies that begins listening to Christmas music in October. Somehow my seasons colide!

So tonight...I made chocolate chip cookies - another cool weather favorite past time is baking - and listened to Christmas music! Somehow the cookies taste better with a little Christmas spirit. Tonight's choice was Jim Brickman - Peace. Great listening!

I have the best sister in law...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 05:34:00 +0000

Lara is the perfect sister-in-law! People sometimes think she and I are sisters and my brother is the in-law. My brother's job is such that he is often out of town. When he is, Lara and I have phone dates. Several weeks ago, we were talking about the fact that I don't have cable anymore. I was telling her that one of the only things I really miss is Little House on the Prairie. I love, love, love that show! Thursday, when I came home from school, there was a package waiting for me. Lara had remembered and she (and my brother) had sent me season one of Little House! 19 hours of good TV just waiting on me! What a perfect sister in law!

so much for my weekend...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 22:13:00 +0000

I am guessing that you are like me and that you look forward to your weekends to rest and do the things that you want to do - like shop. Well, there are lots of things I would rather be doing this week - like shopping...or going with Sydney to her family's apple butter weekend...or just sleeping, but NO! I am going to be cleaning like a mad woman!

Monday, I will be having yet another homestudy visit. yes...the time has come for me to redo and update my lovely paperwork. What's frustrating is that this particular hoop is not for China...it's for the US end of things. I have my medical update, my criminal background check, my 3 years of tax returns...all the necessary papers all ready...but now I have to get the house ready for my social worker to visit. She hasn't been to my new house, so that will be fun...and I will get to show off my Emma's room!

I just wish that I could wiggle my nose or snap my fingers or some other magic something and the house would clean itself and I could do something fun with my weekend. Anyone want to come and clean with me? It will be so much fun!

A sad update...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:31:00 +0000

The new surgery jammies don't fit. That's what I get for not trying them on at the store. They also show a bit more in the chest area that I am comfortable with! I am just a smidge modest! ; )

Cause you just have to...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 05:12:00 +0000

I am having surgery in November - more on that later, but I have been looking for new jammies for my hospital stay...cause you can't stay in the hospital with OLD jammies! I found these today at TJ M*xx for a steal! And I wish computers were equipped with the ability to feel the fabric...it is so comfy. Should make being in the hospital a bit more tolerable!

For my sweet baby

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 04:54:00 +0000

While in Nashville, I stopped at a sweet baby boutique. Somedays, I just like to browse through stores. While in there, the store clerk asked if she could help me find anything. I began explaining that I was adopting from China and I truly had no idea when or what size my baby would be. A lady that was in the store overheard me...isn't it so like God that when I was feeling discouraged about ever meeting my baby, this lady had just weeks before adopted a baby boy! Her baby was a domestic adoption, but her sister had adopted from China. We talked about both processes. It was such a blessing to meet her...and her sweet baby boy.

I found this outfit and fell in love with it...but I didn't buy it...I left. I went and shopped some more...but I couldn't get this little owl outfit off my mind. Not only did I like it, but I knew that my friend Sydney, who loves owls, would like it as well. She doesn't have a baby...yet. Well, I decided that I could go back and get the outfit. I rationalized the purchase by saying that Emma and Syd's baby could SHARE the outfit. Somehow that made it ok. I can't wait to see BOTH babies in this! Whooo wouldn't think they were cute??

Also, I found this...

I've been looking for curtains or fabric for Emma's room, but just haven't found the perfect thing. This matches it all so beautifully! The yellow and floral fabric is her crib bedding. The green is the fabric of the rocker in her room. I wasn't able to purchase the fabric that day because I had no idea how many yards, but once I find a pattern, I have the sku number to order it! I cannot wait to see it all together. No doubt, there will be pictures to follow!

You've been so patient...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 05:28:00 +0000

A few weeks ago, I posted that I had a really exciting possibility coming up. You've waited so patiently...well, the 2 of you who actually read this

Here's the city where I went...recognize it??

It's Nashville...the best I could do from the car...not bad, though, huh?

Here's the hotel I splurged on...and it's been FABULOUS!

The bed...so very comfy...the pillows...perfect...free wifi...and a TV with cable! I haven't had cable TV in a long time...maybe, if I am lucky, I can catch a Little House rerun while I get ready in the morning!

So, a big reason I came was to see this phenomenal group...
Recognize them? It's the group Selah. The concert was such a blessing. These guys are so gifted! Allan the piano player - rocks a keyboard (he sings pretty well, too). Amy and Todd - phenomenally amazing singers - definately God given gifts! I was lucky enough to be on the second row...it helped that I went WAY early. I felt a little like a nerd, but I really like them and I wanted to be up close. After the concert, I even got to talk to them. I tried to get a picture of the three of them up close after the concert, but once the crowd died down, they had also scattered. But the concert was not so much a concert as it was worship! Each of their songs...I felt as if they just ushered me to the foot of the cross. I was so blessed. If you haven't heard them...google them...buy their CD's...you won't be disappointed!

But there's more...I got to meet someone else. Someone I admire...someone who inspires me...someone who I've really wanted to meet since I first "met" her in early 2007.

Here's another hint of sorts...during the concert, Todd (that's the guy with the shiny head) had his daughters come up on stage. They have 4 daughters...three on earth and one in Heaven. These two were brave enough to come up front...the youngest was a bit shy so she didn't come up front.

Todd (shiny head guy) and one of the most phenomenal singers I've ever heard, is the husband of the fabulous woman I met. The sweet girls...2 of their daughters...who also have a quite a gift of song, by the way...

So this is the secret!

I got to meet my dear bloggy friend, Angie! (I don't have trouble remembering her name!) A couple of years ago, I found her blog...and I was hooked. She is a gifted writer...her writing is incredibly heartfelt and I admire that she is not afraid to share the ups and downs of being a wife, a momma, and a daughter of the KING! I have blogged about her and her family before and posted a link or two...but if you've not read her blog, "Bring the Rain," read it! She's also writing a book...that I will certainly blog more about when it is published next year!

WOW! What a night! Now you know what I have been up to for the past few weeks! Thanks for playing along with me! Thanks Angie and Selah for blessing my heart tonight...and so many more times the past few years! God is using you to do miraculous things in the lives of people all across the globe!

I wonder if I am the proverbial Jonah...

maxandemma@charter.net (Angie) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 18:13:00 +0000

I have too much think time on my hands today. There are construction people here doing the final touch ups on my condo before my 1 year warranty is up...so I have just been...well, thinking.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a proverbial Jonah. Remember him? God told him to go to Ninevah, but he was afraid so he went the other way and got on a boat - thinking he could hide from God. While he was on the boat, a terrible storm came and long story, short, it was discovered that God had sent the storm because of Jonah's disobedience. When they threw Jonah off the boat, the storm stopped. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish. While he spent 3 days in that stinky fish belly, he prayed and asked God for forgiveness. The fish spit him out on shore and Jonah headed straight to Ninevah. (whew - that is like the WAY paraphrased and shortened version, but you get my drift, I hope)

Sometimes I wonder if I've heard God wrong all along about my adoption...and maybe this slow referral process or storm of sorts is my fault and if I would just jump ship, the rest of the people could get on their way and get their babies...

I don't believe, however, that this is the case because there are so many ways in which the Lord has confirmed me along this journey...but somedays...somedays I guess I just think too much. But I do continue to pray that if, for whatever reason, this is not the path that God would have me on, that he would clearly show me...and help me get on track. Maybe the slow down is Satan's way of testing me (us), or maybe there is a lesson (or several) to be learned , or maybe God knows that financially...well, there's never a good "financially"... that I am not able right now to complete the process.

Really this is not so much a post as it is just my train of consciousness...but it's got me thinking today...

There've been rumors many times before of a speed up...none of them ever panned out. There is a new rumor that things will speed up this fall or once all of March 06 has been referred (5 days more.) Because of the track record, I don't put much stock into any of the rumors, but I have to hold on to them or else I might just go bonkers!

In a few weeks, my support group will celebrate the Harvest Moon festival. The Harvest Moon Festival of 05 was my very first meeting with my fabulous support group. I can remember that night so clearly... This will be my 5th one while waiting for Emma. I'd be lying if I said it didn't break my heart to attend these meetings...but at the same time it fills me with joy and hope that it will happen...someday. Here's to hope!