A new career?

Tonight was a night of celebration. Four years ago I went to a new Bible study just for singles. A lot of people have come and gone...some have even married, but tonight we got together to celebrate 4 years of building relationships with God and each other. As part of the festivities there was a talent show. I was asked to do a bit of stand up comedy. I guess people think I am funny! So I thought I would share a little with you - of course it loses a bit in print, but just use your imagination!

I began with talking about some past blind dates. Boy, have I had some doozies!

1. Smoker, Dipper, Drinker - shows up at my apartment in clothes that looked as if they were pulled out of the hamper, sandals that exposed his incredibly nasty toenails, and a hat to cover up his nappy hair. He drove like a bat out of that hot place! I feared for my life...not to mention the fact that we were on tons of back roads...I figured he was taking me somewhere to kill me. At dinner he drank...not a huge deal, but he was driving...and he wasn't good sober! Then after dinner, so help me Hannah, he smoked and dipped at the SAME TIME! Our dinner conversation was very stale...we knew we were not a match...we just tried to make it through! Never heard from him again.
2. Mullet Man - I walked into my dentist's office and was met by the hygienist who was whispering, "I am so glad you could come today! I scheduled you and this guy at the same time so you could meet him." I began to cringe as I walked down the hall and all I could see was HAIR. The man, I am sure, could have used shampoo on his entire body. Anyway, My dentist introduces us and then in front of him asks if he can give him my number. I am not sure, but I think there should be some dentist code prohibiting that!
3. Gay Guy - 'nough said. Shortly after we talked, I learned he had come out of the closet.
4. I don't do nothin' right now guy - When this guy called, the conversation went something like this:

ME: so what do you do?

HIM: Well, I don't do nothin' right now. I'm on disability. (Great!)

SILENCE

ME: What kinds of things do you like to do?

HIM: I can't think of nothin' right now.

SILENCE

ME: Do you have any hobbies?

HIM: I collect baseball cards.

I wanted to scream, "What grade are you in???"

And to think, the people that set me up were my FRIENDS! I should have known when they said, "He needs a nice girl like you." People, I am not his therapy!

And I hate it when people - married people mind you - say, "Don't worry, the right one will come along when you are not looking." Give me a blindfold...I won't look! Or they say, "The right one will come along when you are comfortable with who you are." Give me a LAZ-Y-BOY, I will show you how comfortable I can be. And then there's, "The right one will come along when the time is right." What time does it need to be??? I can change the time on my watch!

A friend sent me some perfume called, "Falling in Love" and said that maybe it would woo someone! I laughed and told her I had been wearing "Romance" for 2 years and it hadn't worked at all! Now I wear them at the same time...maybe that will help!

Finally, there was the "Top Ten List of Answers to the Question, "Why aren't you married yet?"

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

8. Because I just love hearing this question.

7. Just lucky, I guess.

6. My fiance is awaiting parole.

5. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

4. because I think it would take the spontaneity out of dating.

3. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

2. Why aren't you thin?

1. It gives my mother something to live for

So there you have it...my first stand up comedy experience in print. I probably shouldn't quit my day job just yet, but it was fun. Hope it made you chuckle.