Saturday, March 7, 2009

Worry

I'm famous for it, you know...worry I mean. But I heard the greatest quote today that helped put worry in it's proper perspective...

"Worry is praying for something you don't want!"
It's true isn't it? I get so focused and waste so much energy fretting about things that just aren't worth it. I think maybe I should get this tattooed on my arms!
I've been worrying a lot lately about Emma. It's been eating at me...the whole adoption process. I read the other day that the adoption tax credit - that I was depending on to help cover adoption costs - is scheduled to end in 2010. Then I read that the best estimate for me to get a non special needs referral - based upon how the CCAA is currently working - would be November 1, 2014.
2014!!!
I will be three months from turning 40. It just about put me over the edge. I want more children...I would love to experience pregnancy and had considered doing artificial insemination if I decided on a second child and was still unmarried. Trying that at 40 would be pushing it a little, don't ya think?
But I am stuck in a way...
  • I am with an agency that only does adoptions from China. There's no chance to change to a country that might move a little quicker.
  • I have already sunk thousands of dollars into this adoption.
  • Even if I found Mr. Right - or Mr. Rich - I can't marry until the adoption is complete because I am adopting as a single. If I married, I would be back at square one - and out of China because I do not meet any of their new requirements.
  • I don't make enough money to meet the financial requirements to do a concurrent adoption or pregnancy while I wait for 2014!

In my heart of hearts though, I know Emma is in China...I still feel that...I think...it's hard to say when my heart just wants her so bad! I am longing for her and have been for so long that I almost can't imagine her as anything but an almond eyed ladybug! I can't describe the ache in my heart...I can't describe the love I feel for this little one who is probably not even in the world...yet.

Have I heard God wrong all this time? That's what I worry...Maybe this was not His plan at all...maybe I am in the way of what He wants to do...But then I have to look back at the many prayers I prayed and the many ways He quietly nudged me along this path.

And so I pray...

"Don't fret or worry.

Instead of worrying, pray.

Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers,

letting God know your concerns.

Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness,

everything coming together for good,

will come and settle you down.

It's wonderful what happens

when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Philippians 4:6-7 The Message

5 comments:

Alana said...

Love that version of those verses. Girl. My heart just aches for you, and I don't understand it. I will continue to pray. I will say that I think any doubts that you are having are not from God. He works differently than that. I think you will know if you are supposed to change directions. I know it is hard. Just remember you are loved, cared for, and prayed for!

Susan said...

oh angie, I hear your pain through these words. I'm so sorry but know your heart IS in China and you can't quit. Hope we can get together next week.

amazeingteacher said...

I totally understand everything you have posted here and have had the same thoughts. I CAN NOT imagine it taking another 5 years from now until we see our daughters; and yet that is what it seems. I've been prayerfully considering special needs...I know it's a big, huge step and I haven't done it yet. But that is an option for us if the Lord confirms it.

Waiting4Audrey said...

Angie,
Don't worry! There is a little girl in China waiting for you to be her Mother. I'm still convinced that there will be a "speed up" this summer and our referrals will come the first half of 2010. Hang in there...there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

The Raudenbush Family said...

Found your blog through someone else's blog...We have a LID of 7/23/2007, so we're in the same boat. I'm encouraged by this last month of referrals though. I was expecting a 1-day batch. Hopefully, that speed up will start to become more evident in the very near future. Hang in there. The God who called you to do this in the first place is still present!
Kelly (with Living Hope Adoption Agency)