Dissonance

A few weeks ago, I shared that I was struggling with depression. I have taken a leave from work and was supposed to return today, but there's still such a struggle deep in my soul. Sometimes, there aren't even words...sometimes I am not even able to voice the feelings in my heart so I swallow them down and try to pretend that I feel ok...and somedays I do. Tonight however, my heart is heavy. I guess I expected that with medication and prayer and time off that I would be on this steady rise to the joy that I am seeking. Instead, what I feel is more like riding a crazy roller coaster...in the dark...backwards...and upside down...like Space Mountain only not nearly as fun. I keep playing this song by Alathea over and over in my head. (They should pay me for the many "plugs" I am giving them!)

TELL ME

(Mandee Radford)

Tell me it’s gonna’ be ok

So I can last another day

I can’t see what’s around the bend

Or if this road’s gonna’ ever end

Till you tell me it’s gonna’ be ok

Tell me the sun’s gonna’ shine

It’s been a dark, dark night in this soul of mine

Every string I’ve been dangling by

Is strengthening with the dawning sky

And you tell me the sun will shine

Tell me I’ll love again

‘Cause I grew numb to that when I trusted him

I can feel the tender parts

In this beating, breaking heart

Tell me I’ll love again

Tell me what I’ll become

When I’ve worked real hard and my day is done

I hope to hold to what is real

Not the things the thief can steal

Please tell me what I’ll become

Tell me my faith will last

Through the stormy gales that are blowing past

I’m setting sail to this wind

Still too scared to begin

Till you tell me my faith will last

And you tell me it’s gonna’ be ok

Tell me the sun’s gonna’ shine

Tell me I’ll love again

Tell me what I’ll become

Tell me my faith will last

Till you tell me these things will pass

I talked with my dearest friend, Kristi tonight. She shared with me from a book she is reading by Beth Moore - just a reminder that Jesus's heart is hurting right along with mine, but that sometimes, he must show restraint in his "helping" in order that part of a bigger plan might take place. It really was a comforting thought - the sweetness of Jesus. But the TRUTH of that and the FEELING in my heart are creating this incredible dissonance in my soul that breaks me even more. I KNOW the truth of Jesus. I BELIEVE in HIS plan and I WANT HIS WILL. But right now I feel so far from anything of Jesus. I think it was CS Lewis in Mere Christianity who said -in a much more eloquent way,- "fake it till you make it." I feel like such a hypocrit because right now I don't FEEL so good about the whole plan Jesus has and what part this depression plays in it...But I KNOW he has more in store for me. So tomorrow, I will go and buy that book and I will read about Jesus' sweetness toward me...even though I don't FEEL it. I will pray that He will help bring these opposing parts of me together...even though I don't FEEL like praying. And maybe not tomorrow or even this week...but the dissonance will become a harmony sweeter than I could imagine. I KNOW this to be true because I KNOW God is good.