Monday, February 11, 2008

The stomach bug of the heart

I haven't shared much about this on my blog, but I have been struggling with depression. It's been going on for a few months now and I ended up taking a medical leave from school. That was a tough choice. I am now "on leave"...but I still have to do report cards - YUCK. I am working on those tomorrow and after this Wednesday, I am leaving teacher mode behind and am not going to think about school until Feb 28. I go back on March 3 so that will give me a few days to get back in gear.

I also decided to quit my job at the church...working two demanding jobs was just too much. We are still working on when my "last day" will be.

It's been an especially difficult week. I have never been a poet, but this weekend I wrote a poem of sorts...I told my counselor that it felt like my heart had just puked...she said it was pretty eloquent puke! I share it with you for two reasons...one, so that you can lift me up in prayer that I would find my joy again and because I have a feeling I am not alone in this depression boat and maybe it will be a help to someone else.

Broken

Broken...my heart is broken
It’s laying at my feet in a thousand pieces
Each piece a part of my story so far
Some are crumpled by hurtful words and painful actions,
Some are glittery and shiny and proud
Some don’t want to be seen
Depression has broken my heart.
I cry out to God to help me pick up the pieces
I beg for him to help me put it back together again
The edges don’t match anymore
The pieces don't fit
I can’t see what the finished picture is
I am scared and frustrated
Scared that the new picture will be ugly
Frustrated that I can’t figure it out
I can’t put it back together, but God can
I reluctantly, but humbly, place the broken pieces in his hand
Like a child whose just broken a glass and is ready for the punishment.
There is no punishment...only love.
He takes the pieces and reminds me that only HE can put the pieces in order...
He knows the plan.
But he has to have every piece...
even the crumpled ones...
even the yucky ones...
cause they are all a part of who He made me to be.
I want to hold them back...those pieces that hurt...
I don’t want them anymore, but without them,
the picture is incomplete...I am incomplete.
He’s putting it together again...
my heart...
and someday,
I will see the picture of why.

4 comments:

Rochelle said...

I am praying for you.

Susan said...

We care.

Erica said...

Angie, thanks for sharing. Please know that your fears aren't yours alone. I have often laid awake at night wondering how things fit together and when they will fit together for me. There have been times in my life that I didn't see how it was ever going to work, and sometimes I didn't know it for years. It's hard. I hate not having a road map. I want some certainties, but I guess that is where faith comes in and that's the hardest part of all. Unfortunately since I'm away from home I don't have your personal email address, but if you want to talk, e-mail me. I'm happy to talk--do you have my insightbb email address?

Kimber said...

I will pray for healing for you and all those you have mentioned in your last few posts. Ask for healing on your depression.

Kim