Sunday, April 12, 2009

Trying to trust

...so I am trying to trust that God's timing is perfect. Trying to trust that He does in fact have a plan for my life. I am trying to not doubt Him. But I confess that I am doubting a bit tonight.

Remember that I decided to adopt in August of 05. If I hadn't had to wait a year for a "single's spot," I would have completed my paperwork and been logged in by January or February of 2006. That may not mean much to anyone outside of the China adoption world, but to me, it means that I would already have my baby. She would be home...sleeping in that bed upstairs. She would have an Easter dress all pressed and ready. She would have toys scattered all about. I would have bottles sitting in my sink. I would be worn out from playing with her all day. BUT, I would have her. I could go upstairs and peek in that crib and watch her sleep. But instead, the crib is empty...the bottles not bought...the toys neatly arranged on her shelf...no Easter dress pressed and ready...no baby Emma. Makes my heart break.

But then I remember that God is absolutely on His throne and HE is in control and because He loves me, He is working for my good. MY GOOD! He knows more than I can fathom and I can trust that Emma is not here yet not because he is punishing me, but because he has an even better plan than I can fathom. His timing is perfect. There is a reason for the wait. And I can even name some of them now in my head...but it doesn't mean I don't still wish she was here already. My love for this baby that I have yet to meet...this baby who is probably not even born...is so unbelievably big that when I think about her, I feel as if my heart may explode with love and joy.

I think of God...How he must feel the same about his son Jesus. He must feel this love so big! Yet He knew that we needed Jesus here on earth. He knew we needed to see him, know him, love him, follow him so that ultimately we could accept him as Savior and be given eternal life. I cannot fathom that God loved me as a sinner so much that He would allow the son he loved to die such a cruel death on the cross. A death he did not deserve, yet He freely gave his life...for me...for you...for Emma who is not even born...

I cannot fathom the love...

I cannot fathom the grace...

But today...and every day...I am so thankful that he loves me. He loves me in spite of the fact that sometimes I fall...in spite of the fact that sometimes I doubt...He loves me with a perfect love.

Thank you, God for your immeasurable love and grace. I am so unworthy...

5 comments:

Cindy said...

Hi Angie,
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and say Happy Easter. Hopefully this time next year we will be swapping pix of our daughters in their easter dresses :)
Happy Easter! Cindy

The Raudenbush Family said...

Oh, it is so hard. But, He knows Emma already and will hold her in His hand until you can. Hang in there.
Kelly

Mia's mom said...

Angie,
We may not know each other, but we have walked the same road. I tried to adopt from China twice as a single mom and was told no both times. It crushed me. I understand you longing for a baby that you can give all of the love your holding onto for her.
I dreamed of a little girl with dark hair for years. I could never see her face in my dreams. God did finally bless me with a beautiful little girl with long dark curly hair from Guatemala. It is so worth the long wait. The moment you get Emma into your arms your memories of the wait will fade.
Hold on God has a plan for you and this precious little girl. What God had planned for me was so much better than all of my dreams.
Praying for you and Emma!
Joyce

Natalie said...

Praying for you, dear friend! I know your arms are feeling so empty, and I hope and pray that God will soon bless you with that sweet baby that is going to be so incredibly loved!
~Natalie

tiffany said...

Yes, hang in there. There is a baby who needs you as much as you need her. The wait is so worth it and the pain of it disappears like magic once you hold that baby. Hopings its sooner rather than later for you...