Monday, June 22, 2009

Momma said...

All Mom's have their own "Words of Wisdom." For example...

1. Always wear clean underwear when you go out in case you're in an accident. You wouldn't want them seeing your dirty underwear, would you?

(personally, my thought is that in an accident...it probably won't matter if my underwear was or wasn't clean prior to the accident. But still...I do wear clean underwear just because...well, it's gross to not)

2. Eat your vegetables, those children in *insert third world country here* would be happy to have some broccoli to eat!

3. If you fall out of that tree and break you leg , don't come running to me.

4. Stop making that face or it will freeze that way!

I could make a list a mile long...but you get my drift. When I think back to the things that stick with me that my mom shared...one phrase always comes to mind...

"Angie, tan fat looks better than white fat."

It's true. But sadly, my skin is not of the tanning variety. I am the kind who will burn, painful burn, peel, and return to the exact same color as before...if not an even paler version! I am the one that everyone likes to sit next to because I reflect so much more light onto them. Other times, my reflection has been known to burn people's retinas. To give you an idea of the natural color of my skin, I posted this picture...

Yes...I am a bit pasty...marshmallow-y... egg shellish... "Casper"-ish as my brother would *kindly* say. My friend Becca and I - she is a skin kindred spirit - we prefer to call the color of our skin alabaster.

Well, Friday, my family and I are leaving for the beach. I hate putting on a swimsuit. My struggle is not as much with my color as it is with my size, but in the wise words of my Momma...

Tan fat does in fact look better than white fat

So I bought this...


In small print it does say, "NO RUB," but I have since learned that that is indeed a false hood. Rub it in baby! But that being my very first experience with a self tanner, I ended up a streaky, orange ankle-ed mess. My DAD of all people said, "well, don't you know you're supposed to be extra careful around your joints?" Really...It's a mystery...truly, how does he know these things???...he is a dad. He can barely find the bologna in the fridge to make a sandwich, but he knows the rules of self tanner?!?! Honestly!

I neglected - or was too embarrassed - to take a picture of my orange mess and I wanted to get rid of it in a hurry. I was racking my brain thinking about what would work. Thinking that it really is just a coating on the skin, exfoliating should work...right?


So I picked up my little pedicure, foot file thing. Basically it's sand paper...on a stick. So I filed away...those white and orange specks?...that would be my ankle...I think there's some blood in there, too, as this is what my ankle now looks like - complete with the raw, scaley spots.



Well, then a dear friend kindly posted another way to remove the orange. She told me to rub alcohol on my ankle. Just for your own comfort and safety do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT try this just after "exfoliating" your ankles raw with sand paper. *next time I will use ONLY alcohol - thanks Chrissy!*
In the end, I am still alive. I will get to the beach this weekend either looking like an orange, a marshmallow...or a marshmallow dressed as an orange for halloween. I will lay by the pool with my SPF 1 million so as not to burn and pray that I never see any of those people again...unless of course I run into a rich, handsome, Christian man (with teeth) who wants to sweep me off my orange ankles and forever treat me as his princess.

10 comments:

Tiffany said...

Angie, you are HILARIOUS! This post had me cracking up! I love it! You made my day! Have fun at the beach!

Karisse and Callie said...

i DIED laughing...you're too funny.

You should consider writing a book...an article...something!!!

amazeingteacher said...

i can relate, girl! i just got back from a Caribbean Cruise and was in awe of all of the beautiful olive toned---evenly tanned---skin out there! it is really unfair...meanwhile i was applying my spf 45+ like it was going out of style! Even with my spf...still i walked off the ship with splotchy red sun burned patches against a pale white skin tone. ( with the random freckle or age spot mixed in of course!)

oh well, have fun at the beach!

Monica said...

You make me laugh!! Yeah, you may be white now, but you will be one of those beautiful older ladies with the perfect smooth skin. Then we'll see whose laughing.

Rochelle said...

Thanks for the great laugh.

tiffany said...

heehee! This cracked me up! I have wondered about those tan in a can things. Guess you wouldnt suggest it then. Have a great trip and I hope you DO meet that hot Christian man who happens to be into the orange look. ;)

Rhonda said...

Okay Angie, that was the funniest post! Actually, probably because I could relate to every single detail of this....except I always take off too much skin during very agressive pedicures b/c I have a foot obsession and I like 'em smooth! haha

But about the tan thing...I spent most of my 45 years trying to bake myself. I would stop at nothing. I used silver blankets to reflect the cancer-causing UVB and UVA rays onto my skin. I used butter. I used Red Label Hawaiian Tropic oil ALL over myself as a teenager,,,including my face. I laid out from sun-up 'til sun-down. I rolled my shirt sleeves up if I was outside and the least bit of sun was shining. I avoided hats or sunglasses b/c the just might shield me from getting the maximum tan. I intensified, went to tanning beds, used no telling what kind of chemicals on my skin to bake myself even darker. I was always on the look-out for a sunny day, or hour, or minute where I could run out and get darker.

Welllllllllllllllll, last year I went to the dermatologist with my teenage sun to see about his "teenage breaking out" and while I was in there, asked the derm. to look at this itchy spot on my back. One glance, and biopsy later, I learned that that little speck was M.E.L:.A.N.O.M.A.!!!!!!!!!! So, off I went to the sugical oncologist and had a BIG time surgery to remove my tiny winy little speck. My scar is about 8 inches long and he took out a HUNK of by fat back! (HA).....The good news is that we caught it SOOOOOOOO EARLY that it had not had time to penetrate into any other layers of skin and my prognosis is basically "no worries" EXCEPT for the fact that I now have "ALABASTER" as my new goal.

Okay, you go from BRONZE to ALABASTER, and it takes some getting used to. In the last year, whenever we've had a special event or something, I've used every spray tan, tan in a can method I could find. In the end, I'm settiling for my new normal....ALABASTER in your words.

So, embrace it. You'll be glad you did later. And I'm prayin' Prince Charming comes your way!

Thanks for the gut-busting laughter this morning!!!!

Here's to 317 days moving FASTER!!!!!!

Blessings,
Rhonda

P.S. This is probably the longest comment ever written on someone's blog! tee hee!

Rhonda said...

*son

(I hate poor spelling and grammar)....

Krystal said...

I can so relate! My arms get enough sun to look okay, but my legs just don't seem to match. (My father and my sister have the fish-belly white coloring that thankfully I escaped, though I get very pale in the winter.) If you do this again, try putting lotion over the spots that turned more orange than the rest of your skin before cautiously applying the sunless tanner in those areas.

Praying for your adoption process!

Erica said...

Let me set your mind at ease about the underwear since I work in the ER quite a bit.
1. When you are in a truly bad accident there is a good chance you are going to crap yourself. Clean panties aren't clean for long.
2. We are just going to cut them off anyway and toss them. Save your money and buy more self tanner.

That's my advice and I'm stickin' to it!