I used to love the thrill of riding roller coasters. A few years ago, my family and I went to an amusement park. It was kind of a dreary day and there were not many people there. My dad, brother, sister -in-law, and I were all excited to ride the roller coasters. My mom on the other hand...can't stand them. Guess we take after dad! Because there were so few people, we were able to just ride and ride and ride. I think I rode this one coaster about 7 times in a row before my stomach started to get a bit queasy and I had to rest. My brother and my dad rode several more times. That's a favorite family memory...jsut laughing and screaming and having the time of our lives.
I think it's the expectation of the drop that gets me...you climb this hill...
you get to the top and the clinking stops and it's almost as if you're frozen in mid air for just a moment...then there's the stomach dropping, scream from your toes, plummet and spin that is just crazy fun.
I used to love roller coasters...now...well, they make me a little sick. I get dizzy headed and squeamish. And I hate that...cause I know how much fun they can be.
That's kind of where I am in this adoption. In the beginning -- nearly 4 YEARS ago -- it was that crazy, screaming fun. I had such anticipation building as I gathered my paperwork and got my whole dossier in order. It was a thrill last summer when Syd and I drove pick up Emma's crib.
But now...the thrill is gone...I have that squeamish "I don't know if I can ride this ride" feeling. My heart just aches...I don't even know how to describe it. I am sure that some who read this may think it strange, but it is almost a physical ache. I want to be a momma so much it makes my heart hurt. The wait is so long at this point...I don't even feel like I've gotten on the coaster. More like I just got to the sign that says, "Your wait from this point will be..." but there's no answer. you see, if there was an answer or some end in sight...somehow it seems like that would be easier. But instead, it's like I am stuck in line...there's no way up, out, under, or around. I just have to stick it out. And it stinks!
4 years is a long time. No end in sight is longer.
Sunday, July 26, I am going to be spending the afternoon in prayer. I have, of course, been praying all along...but I am just uneasy right now. I am antsy. I want my baby. So, I decided to set aside this special time to talk to and, more importantly, listen to the Lord. Call to Him with my questions, fears, and doubts and allow Him to fill me with his courage, peace, strength, and wisdom. If you think of it...say a little prayer for me (and baby Emma) on Sunday...that the Lord would lead us to each other in HIS PERFECT time... That He would give me what I need to make it through this crazy, frustrating, joyful, never-ending, ride of a lifetime!