Saturday, July 25, 2009

Roller Coaster

I used to love the thrill of riding roller coasters. A few years ago, my family and I went to an amusement park. It was kind of a dreary day and there were not many people there. My dad, brother, sister -in-law, and I were all excited to ride the roller coasters. My mom on the other hand...can't stand them. Guess we take after dad! Because there were so few people, we were able to just ride and ride and ride. I think I rode this one coaster about 7 times in a row before my stomach started to get a bit queasy and I had to rest. My brother and my dad rode several more times. That's a favorite family memory...jsut laughing and screaming and having the time of our lives.

I think it's the expectation of the drop that gets climb this hill...


you get to the top and the clinking stops and it's almost as if you're frozen in mid air for just a moment...then there's the stomach dropping, scream from your toes, plummet and spin that is just crazy fun.

I used to love roller, they make me a little sick. I get dizzy headed and squeamish. And I hate that...cause I know how much fun they can be.

That's kind of where I am in this adoption. In the beginning -- nearly 4 YEARS ago -- it was that crazy, screaming fun. I had such anticipation building as I gathered my paperwork and got my whole dossier in order. It was a thrill last summer when Syd and I drove pick up Emma's crib.

But now...the thrill is gone...I have that squeamish "I don't know if I can ride this ride" feeling. My heart just aches...I don't even know how to describe it. I am sure that some who read this may think it strange, but it is almost a physical ache. I want to be a momma so much it makes my heart hurt. The wait is so long at this point...I don't even feel like I've gotten on the coaster. More like I just got to the sign that says, "Your wait from this point will be..." but there's no answer. you see, if there was an answer or some end in sight...somehow it seems like that would be easier. But instead, it's like I am stuck in line...there's no way up, out, under, or around. I just have to stick it out. And it stinks!

4 years is a long time. No end in sight is longer.

Sunday, July 26, I am going to be spending the afternoon in prayer. I have, of course, been praying all along...but I am just uneasy right now. I am antsy. I want my baby. So, I decided to set aside this special time to talk to and, more importantly, listen to the Lord. Call to Him with my questions, fears, and doubts and allow Him to fill me with his courage, peace, strength, and wisdom. If you think of it...say a little prayer for me (and baby Emma) on Sunday...that the Lord would lead us to each other in HIS PERFECT time... That He would give me what I need to make it through this crazy, frustrating, joyful, never-ending, ride of a lifetime!


amazeingteacher said...

I can relate to everything you have said. I will say a prayer for you tomorrow in hopes you hear a word from the Lord on this matter. Today marks my 27th month of the wait since log in...much longer of course if you count the wait on the singles list before the paper work began. It's exhausting!

Angie said...

YES!!! A lot of people forget that many singles had to wait a year or more just for a coveted slot! My wait for a slot was almost exactly one year.

Krystal said...

Yes, I'm praying for you this afternoon (Sunday). I can relate only in that I had to wait five and a half years through infertility before we became parents (domestic private adoption - my second cousin's baby). God provided in His time, not mine. It's so hard to wait and trust. So, my heart goes out to you, and I ask our Father to hold you tightly as He works in your life.

Erica said...

I'm thinking of you, Ang. I hope your prayer time was enlightening. I know a lot of APs tell PAPs that when you finally get your child in your arms that all the pain and struggle melts away. To be honest, I haven't forgotten. I know just how close I came to NOT being Duc's mama...literally I was hours from never meeting my son.

I will tell you that I appreciate everything more as a result. I am a more patient mother as a result and when my son puked on me and then peed in my shoe less than a minute later...I didn't get upset. I laughed. And this afternoon and evening when he was so sick and all he wanted to do was sleep on me, I enjoyed it.

Your time will come and I promise you will be able to appreciate the tears you shed now.

Kim said...

I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry :( I waited 3.5 years for Natalie so I know that weird feeling. I got to the point where I was planning on how I'd store her stuff until I could afford to adopt from someplace else.

Email me at neatokimmo, I have a site I want to send you.