Monday, September 7, 2009

I wonder if I am the proverbial Jonah...

I have too much think time on my hands today. There are construction people here doing the final touch ups on my condo before my 1 year warranty is up...so I have just been...well, thinking.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a proverbial Jonah. Remember him? God told him to go to Ninevah, but he was afraid so he went the other way and got on a boat - thinking he could hide from God. While he was on the boat, a terrible storm came and long story, short, it was discovered that God had sent the storm because of Jonah's disobedience. When they threw Jonah off the boat, the storm stopped. Jonah was swallowed by a big fish. While he spent 3 days in that stinky fish belly, he prayed and asked God for forgiveness. The fish spit him out on shore and Jonah headed straight to Ninevah. (whew - that is like the WAY paraphrased and shortened version, but you get my drift, I hope)

Sometimes I wonder if I've heard God wrong all along about my adoption...and maybe this slow referral process or storm of sorts is my fault and if I would just jump ship, the rest of the people could get on their way and get their babies...

I don't believe, however, that this is the case because there are so many ways in which the Lord has confirmed me along this journey...but somedays...somedays I guess I just think too much. But I do continue to pray that if, for whatever reason, this is not the path that God would have me on, that he would clearly show me...and help me get on track. Maybe the slow down is Satan's way of testing me (us), or maybe there is a lesson (or several) to be learned , or maybe God knows that financially...well, there's never a good "financially"... that I am not able right now to complete the process.

Really this is not so much a post as it is just my train of consciousness...but it's got me thinking today...

There've been rumors many times before of a speed up...none of them ever panned out. There is a new rumor that things will speed up this fall or once all of March 06 has been referred (5 days more.) Because of the track record, I don't put much stock into any of the rumors, but I have to hold on to them or else I might just go bonkers!

In a few weeks, my support group will celebrate the Harvest Moon festival. The Harvest Moon Festival of 05 was my very first meeting with my fabulous support group. I can remember that night so clearly... This will be my 5th one while waiting for Emma. I'd be lying if I said it didn't break my heart to attend these meetings...but at the same time it fills me with joy and hope that it will happen...someday. Here's to hope!

5 comments:

The Raudenbush Family said...

I feel your pain and very much appreciate all the thoughts around the whole process and your calling. It's so hard on all of us waiting families. I never expected the process 2 1/2 years ago to be like it has been. (sigh)

Cindy said...

I've gone through all the possibilities in my mind too. I really do understand your pain. I think its only human to want some sort of explanation for this all but keep your faith Angie. Faith and perseverance will get us through. When I really get down I keep this one thought in mind, however hard this wait is for us it pales in comparison to our child's circumstances and wait.
Heartfelt wishes,
Cindy

tiffany said...

Oh how I wish that China would get back to normal with their adoptions. Keep the faith.

amazeingteacher said...

I can relate with your feelings. I'm seriously considering switching to the special needs line more now than ever before b/c like you i don't believe a speed will happen.

Anonymous said...

Angie, God allowed you to be part of the last group of singles to submit your dossier. I believe that happened for a reason and that reason is Emma. Don't give up! Time will pass either way. Your dossier could be in China or you could give up. Think of how disappointed you would feel if your group received referral and you had withdrawn. I can't say that I understand because our wait was so short compared to today but we are cheering for all of our friends. As you know, these angels are worth all the sacrifice.